Tuesday, April 04, 2006

You Want to Play With My Laffy Taffy?

Looking for the right words to describe your manhood or your funbags? Below is my sequel post to my list of the Good, Bad and just plain weird terms for pussy. This list covers the rest of our favorite play things with terms for the dick, boobs, and butt. Enjoy!

Words for the Male Genitals

Good Words:

1. Cock - Always a favorite. It’s manly and rough sounding.

2. Tool – I like this word. Makes me think of a porno where I’m the dirty housewife and I’ve hired a hot plumber to use his tool to snake my pipes.

3. Shaft – Makes me think of an engine pumping hard and fast into my pussy.

4. Balls – Really this was the best word I could think to use for these, but nothing sounded better. Still not hot, but it works.

In-between Words:

1. Manhood – A little harlequin romance, but still a good choice.

2. Penis – A little technical for my taste, but still a good word.

3. Python of love, Heat seeking missile, Ford (Hard like a rock), and other manly nicknames – Nicknames are generally okay if picked by the man or at least okayed by him.

4. Nuts – This is alright, but I don’t find it to be very sexy.

Bad Words:

1. Schlong – Don’t use unless you’re still in middle school.

2. Wang – Unless you’re Asian, I don’t suggest this word.

3. Pud – It doesn’t make me think of a penis, its make me think of the little kid from the comic, Pud, which is something I don’t want to think of during sex.

4. Dong – Sounds like something you hit (Dong!) and it makes me think of a dildo.

5. Prick – I don’t like this word. Sounds too painful and it reminds me of the name I use for my ex-boyfriend.

6. Scrotum – It’s too technical and I just don’t like how harsh it sounds.

7. Cute or Girly Nicknames - I suggest never called his thing anything cute, unless you want to see his little smurf retreat back into its mushroom house.

Words for Women’s Breasts

Good Words:

1. Tits – This is an adult word. It just sounds hot.

In-Between Words:

1. Boobs – Makes me think of a bunch of idiots.

2. Breasts – A little artsy sounding, but still usable. To me, this is really a chick word.

3. Titties – A little less manly, but still a good word.

4. Lovely Lady Lumps - Not generally a good idea to refer to breasts as lumps, but if Fergie uses the term than can it be all bad....

Bad Words:

1. Mammaries – Too Technical.

2. Udders – We’re not cows…

3. Fun bags, jumblies, yabbos, hoohoos, boobies, and basically any other funny word you can conceive of. – These are all just childish. Only 5 year olds and 40 year old virgins use these words.

4. Melons and other edibles – Comparing a women’s breast to fruit is just retarded sounding, plus may get slapped if you compare them to oranges or any other small fruits.

Words for Women’s Bum

Good Words:

1. Ass – This will always be an adult word. It’s sexy and hard sounding.

2. Butt – Sounds like something you should be ramming your cock against or in, whatever floats your boat.

3. Booty – I like this word; makes me think of pirate booty, and my ass should be treasured.

4. Behind – Just where it should be. Behind you.

In-Between Words:

1. Asshole – A little more direct, but still hard and adult sounding.

2. Bum – Though sometimes a little cute sounding, you can still use it without looking retarded.

3. Rump - Hey, it rhymes with some of my favorite words like pump and hump, so it can't be all bad.

Bad Words:

1. Starfish – A word that should only be used in a dumb guy joke. Used a lot on “Son of the Beach” in jokes.

2. Rosebud – I don’t like to compare my asshole to a chocolate candy; it’s just a real turn off.

3. Sphincter – Too technical and too Wayne’s World.

4. Bowels – Unless you’re a doctor, don’t use this one.

5. Butthole – This is another dumb guy word. “Hey Butthole!”

6. Anus – Too technical and reminds me of the whole “Uranus” joke from elementary school.

7. Arse – If you’re British you can use it, if not, then I don’t suggest it.

8. Poop-chute, Hershey Highway and other references to excretion – Anything that refers to shit is not sexy. Remember that.

9. Balloon Knot – Makes me think of the gas that could be let out with you play too much with that balloon knot.

10. Junk in the trunk - Referring to a woman’s ass as junk could get you killed.

11. Hump – Are you dating the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

12. Laffy Taffy - Never one: suggest your woman’s ass is laughable or two: suggest woman’s ass is like taffy. You will die.